12 June 2013

midweek messiness and lives lived, loved.

When I think of the last 7 days I feel exhausted. I walked into last week tired. and very whiny. I felt the full load of end of school year busy making,  the field trips, and sick children.  My house, cluttered with projects brought home from school and the never ending frustration with the last bits of homework battles. I was tired. messy beyond compare.  

But then after Friday, I wasn't sure what to feel.  My whining and exhaustion were put into focus; messiness mattered not, loving the boys to bits did. 

Yet at the same time, instead of exhaustion from busy boy filled days, I felt the exhaustion from the fear of the unknown and the sadness for the families who lost loved ones. So I do what I always do if I don't want to curl up into a ball and never let the children out the front door again, I process: Writing helps (it irons out the creases of worry in my soul). Running helps (pounding out the fear and the anger on the pavement).  Talking helps (finding out that other's were just as fearful and worried as you).  But it was such a tumultuous, bone-quaking fear-filled event, that I also took solace in knowing distance and time will help as well.

Then yesterday, the morning of the last day of school for the boys, there was another shooting. Gang violence.  A block from my oldest's school. A block from the place of the shooting on Friday.  As the helicopters swirled around and around, I couldn't help feel frightened, again. Though we quickly found out that everyone we knew was safe (there was no school wide lockdown), I couldn't help bite back tears that stung around the edges of my eyes from the low hum of worry. I shook all morning. Too many thoughts churning in my soul... It seems life has its tattered edges of messiness and worry despite my very best efforts to clean things up and make the boys' world feel safe.    

But then, after school, we went to the beach. 


Unplanned or not, there were so many families from my boys' schools there. And as I plopped our blanket down and stretched out our towels, I looked around.  Of the multitudes around me, I recognized almost every single one. 

And so. 

and so the ocean met us.  the ocean met us on the edges of our humanity. we felt the wind whip our hair, and the tightness and anger in our chests abate.  as far as the eye could see, our children were building sandcastles and running in and out of the waves.  we were a heart beat of hope thudding across the sand, a giant lung-ed breath breathing together,  living our lives and loving our children. 

the blurred dotted spots of self, our souls, danced in the full joy of knowing, that in this moment, a small collective of us would not stay home and hide, that we made it to somewhere that day; we made it to the shore. 

and in the scattered pull of the earth, the hearts tugged and tied tight on the kite string were set free. and we could once again tumble in and out of hope. forever on and ever so brief, down there. 

down there were the ocean met us, and collapsed our worry (bringing it out and losing it as sea).

 down at the shore. 

love you all dear friends, all near and far, new and old. love.love.love. 

28 comments:

  1. YES - the ocean feeds the soul. It takes our worries and carries them away. May you all have week full of calm. Once again excellent writing and photos to match. My heart is with you.
    Chey xo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Looking forward to days of calm. and the good kind of busy-ness.
      thanks so so much Chey. Your words, as always mean so much to me.xxoo

      Delete
  2. oh no another shooting my heart seriously just skipped a huge beat! not not bnot what your week (or anybody's week) needed! the shore is so wonderful for meeting nature and just being still xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks so so much Jane. Your words are ever so encouraging.
      Hoping that you are having a lovely end to your week. xxoo

      Delete
  3. Your write so beautifully.
    I am so sorry you have senseless violence to deal with in your community - I cannot imagine living with that as a fear. For me, living here in the UK and in the countryside, it is not something I ever have to think about.
    I fear plenty of other things though and like you, writing and talking and processing all helps.
    I hope this week your frayed edges are a little less frayed
    Best wishes
    Sophie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh Sophie, I am so so envious of your quiet and your countryside. I also think that the U.S. is particularly poor in their gun control laws. Which is a source of frustration and sadness to me. Things ARE a little less frayed these past few days... thank you so very much for your kind words and thoughts.
      it is ever so appreciated. xxoo

      Delete
  4. Rebecca,
    Your writing is extraordinary...so beautiful. I find myself breathless at the end of your posts and feel the need to reread your words, to soak them in.

    I hope being surrounded by familiar faces brought you all some peace. I pray we never lose sight of all the beautiful things in this world.

    xo Sarah

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OH Sarah, thank you so so much. your words mean so much!
      Thank you so for your kind compliment.

      And yes to never forgetting the beauty and love in this world. xo

      Delete
  5. What a beautiful post ... as usual. And how lovely to see the hope still within your community.
    I don't want to turn this into a gun debate ... but I am so grateful that I live in Australia where there is gun control. As a result our gun crime rates are relatively low.
    What a horrific week you have had ... but I'm so pleased you can still find some beauty and joy in the world.
    Hope the boys are coping ok too.
    Jo
    xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Jo for your kind sweet words. And there is no need for any gun debate from me, I think we need strict, strict gun control. But I am preaching to the choir. We have some dear friends who are moving back to Australia at the end of next month. I am jealous.

      hugs from across the pacific to you and your merry men. xo

      Delete
  6. oh that's so hard :-( we all know our children live in a scary world, but to have such terrible violence near them ... you are braver than I. and I loved to read your experience of being at the shore - it is very different for me, so in a way its healing to see other people gain peace and comfort from the waves.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much Sarah. I always love hearing from you.
      xo

      Delete
  7. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we all had the sea, in her infinite power and grace, to retreat to during times like these... no wonder you found yourself and your community there. I read your post and realized despite the horror, you are well within your soul - and hopefully too is your family. And that is heartening. Peace to you all dear Rebecca - xo (p.s. I love the blurred photos that accompany the post)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Catherine you are so right, the sea has a way to make us feel so much a part of something infinite, so grace-filled and powerful.
      Thank you so Catherine for your kind words. xxoo

      Delete
  8. I find solace in the Sea too. A beautifully written Post. Sometimes I just shake my head at what goes on in this world but it's equally important to seek out the beauty too, as you have.....Mel x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you ever so much for your Kind words Mel. It is so lovely to know there are kindred spirits all over the world. xo

      Delete
  9. It's so tender, isn't it? My husband and I shake our heads everyday at all the crazy happenings- especially when they happen in short distance from us. It's just is so disheartening to know that every moment is unknown and the world can be so unsafe. And yet, when we look around at what is real most of the time in our lives....it's just thankfulness I feel. Just keep on and be thankful for every precious beautiful moment.
    XO

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I keep thinking that there has to be somewhere in the world that is safe, less crazy. really? isn't there? Maybe this place is just a construct in my mind. sigh.
      thank you so for your wonderful comment. xxoo

      Delete
  10. I think heading to the ocean is just the perfect thing to do with your kids. Your only step is to keep on enjoying life as best you can! All the best, Jo.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. . one.step.at.a.time. it always comes down to that doesn't it? slowing down and enjoying the small things. It is ever so important. xo

      Delete
  11. The sea has healing powers I think. Looking out towards the horizon is so very soothing. I am sorry there has been more violence near where your children are. Glad you have a close and caring community to belong to. You will all help each other no doubt. Hope you have a good weekend.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree CJ. There is something so healing and strong about the ocean -a sense of peace.
      thank you so for your kind words. xxoo

      Delete
  12. Oh my. Yesterday about 1km from our home, one of the local primary schools was in lock down all day. The TRG (tactical response group) were in attendance at a domestic dispute where an armed man was holding his partner at bay. It ended well, but all day long those parents couldn't reach their children. They were safe, but still. It wasn't our school, but it was close to my home. It's nowhere near what you have experienced of late and I'm so sorry again, for all of your friends and neighbours. It must feel that the ground is moving beneath your feet. I'm thankful for the holidays, that you can just be together, relax and have time away from that environment.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh Victoria. This is so heart stopping. So awful.
      I am so sorry that your community experienced this. There is something so heart wrenching about
      domestic violence. so so sad.
      much love to you all across the pacific. xo

      Delete
  13. Writing, running, and talking....I find those things help in my own life, too....I've been processing the death of a close friend's son these past 2 weeks, and I've been neglecting the writing, running and talking that I need to do...instead I've been busy, busy, busy...but if I neglect the processing, it will sneak up and explode in my life when i'm not expecting it..I so enjoyed getting caught up on your blog today....thank you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thinking about you so much Lisa. I am so sorry for your friend's loss (and your loss as well).
      Hang in there, and hopefully you will find some time to process and regain some balance in your life. xo

      Delete
  14. I'm utterly captivated with the way you put words and images together, Rebecca. So sorry to hear of the terrifying turn of events that your family and community had to deal with, sometimes it can feel so completely inconceivable that this kind of thing even happens. How? Why? I too, head to the sea to bring me back to centre. I love those blurry beach images, such a sense of weight being lifted in the salty air. Belinda x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks so so much Belinda. I am glad we are gaining some mental distance from the events.
      thank you so much for your sweet words! xo

      Delete

hello there! I love it so when you leave a bit of a note to let me know how you are and what you are thinking. I always love to hear about the things inspiring you and moving you through your day.

About Recently...